Quotes =)

I've got a million of awesome quotes but I have no idea who wrote them.
Yea there's a lot of them here but they're really good ^__^

A million words couldn't bring you back I know because I've tried, neither could a million tears I know because I've cried.

I've spent my whole life looking for someone I could live with, when I should've been looking for the one I couldn't live without.

Wow, these pills are like sex, except I'm having them

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car....

You know that look women get when they want sex?... Me neither!

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

^(I think this one is by Homer Simpson)

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I sure hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

^(one of my favorites)