After nearly ten years together, my husband and I are now separated. AMA

[Throes]

Most folks who frequent the IRC already know this, but yes it is true. He moved out about three weeks ago, and we are doing marriage counseling once a week. Today would have been the tenth anniversary of him first asking me to be his girlfriend. I felt blindsided by everything, especially since we had just gotten back from a vacation in France when he told me he was unhappy with our marriage.

Those of you who have been around SP for a long time might recall some of the issues that we have faced. Well, when you fail to resolve those issues, they come and bite you in the ass in the worst way possible. Our marriage has been haunted by ghosts that should be long gone by now.

Everything hurts like a motherfucker but I am trying to make the best use of my time alone and work on resolving my numerous issues. I've been reading, working out, and throwing myself into my job to distract me but the nights are still painfully lonely.

Yep.

[Words]

I'm sorry to hear that.
I wish the best for you, and I hope nights will feel better as time goes on.
Good luck with your job too! :)

[Netto]

OMG I remember those days being on IRC and seeing you and talking and everything.

I'm sorry you have to go through this =(
I'm sending you nothing but good wishes and vibes and lots and lots of internet hugs!

[Corn]

Sorry for being an pimento on IRC, and for your situation.

[Razmos]

It's good to see you are distracting yourself, I hope it hurts less for you soon. just carry on being strong,

[MariettaRC]

Awww, Throes, I'm sorry! :( I'm afraid I don't know enough to say anything meaningful and would rather not risk being insensitive, so I'll leave you with kittens instead and hope they do the job for me.



I really hope things get better for you!

[KhainiWest]

I'm really sorry to hear that, you honestly deserve a better situation.

[Nion]

My condolences to you and I hope you feel better.

[Throes]

Don't feel too sorry for me. I had an equal part in creating the dynamic that caused the rift between us. As painful as it may be in the moment, this whole turn of events has actually been a catalyst for some much needed self-reflection and growth. I've realized that our relationship and our lives had been stagnant for a while and if we had continued the way we'd been going, we would have eventually brought children into a dysfunctional home full of resentment and regret.

On that note, if there are any survivors of sexual abuse out there reading this, I highly advise you to get counseling or other professional help in dealing with the long term effects of the abuse. In my case, I had actually been to a counselor in my teen years, but I did not get much value from it at the time. Though I feel I was very fortunate in having a very supportive family and extensive support system growing up, there were still issues that had been left very much unresolved, the biggest one being some very deep trust issues.

of all the books I've read thus far, this one has helped me the most

[Five Second Pose]

Are you two officially split now, or?

[Throes]

I guess you could say it's a trial separation. We are still legally married, and neither of us wants to say the "d" word yet.

He moved out because he felt trapped and needed his own space for a while. We have agreed not to make a decision in the heat of the moment and instead take some time (six months) to do our own things for a while and see how we feel about it after that.

[KhainiWest]

Well throes, you seem like a catch, although I have read the opposite being said about your peers in terms of your husband. I have faith or optimistic things will work out for you, especially since you're both working so hard to get things smooth again. If anything that's consideration your relationship needs and I hope you understand it is a big deal you two can make those necessary steps.

[Throes]

Anyone who doesn't think my husband is a catch has obviously never met or spoken to him.

Also besides FSP, I fail to see any questions in this thread.

[KhainiWest]

Sorry, I just re-read that and I said it wrong. I read that your friends saying how your husband was a catch and you're so lucky to have him, or out of your league. I was just trying to reassure you that isn't the case as I've been in that position and it sucks to be told that.

And it's hard to ask anything that wouldn't be too personal as you were pretty clear about your circumstances, so of course people will default to trying to support you :P

edit: NOT TRYING TO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I HATE YOUR HUSBAND, HES A GREAT GUY IF HE'S WORKING JUST AS HARD AS YOU ARE. IM TRYING TO SAY THAT OKAY

[ShinkuDragon]

honestly, i feel any kind of questions thrown would be kind of kicking the dog while it's down, but if you want it to be an AMA for real?

what was the root of the issue? you say he felt trapped and such, but what exactly caused such feels?

[Throes]

what was the root of the issue? you say he felt trapped and such, but what exactly caused such feels?

It was really a combination of things.

The primary reason he was dissatisfied with our relationship is that, even after ten years of being committed to me, I still did not trust him in the way that a wife should be able to trust her husband. He was constantly having to "prove himself" to be trustworthy even though he has been a rather upstanding fellow. He was frustrated that my trust issues, which had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my father, were keeping us from having the kind of relationship he wanted with his wife. He was tired of being punished for other people's fuck ups.

In addition to that, he has never felt at home living in our apartment in San Francisco, and he has never liked the job in the city either. Actually he really doesn't like San Francisco at all. However, our rent is ridiculously cheap (yay rent control) and he knows how much I love the city and my job so we never moved. It was convenient to stay where we were. He felt stuck in a place that he really did not care for at all. It might have been easier for him to deal with that if our relationship were in a better spot, but the combination of things just pushed him over the edge.

His aunt and uncle recently divorced as well; they waited until the kids were in college before they decided to make the split, but now they resent each other and don't get along at all. He didn't want us to go down the same path.

[KhainiWest]

him in the way that a wife should be able to trust her husband. He was constantly having to "prove himself" to be trustworthy even though he has been a rather upstanding fellow

What did you question or trust issues in particular? Talking to other girls? Late nights?

[Zelkova]

Since you want more questions, what is your favorite way to relax?

[chrome]

Since you want more questions, what is your favorite way to relax?

Drinking. The answer is drinking.

[Throes]

What did you question or trust issues in particular? Talking to other girls? Late nights?

Yes.

I was horribly insecure about him talking to other females, in particular his co-workers. I accused him of the most outrageous things with no evidence whatsoever. He is damn good looking and I am insecure in my appearance, I always thought that it would be so easy for him to hook up with whoever he wanted and leave me behind. Even though he is a good guy, it was hard for me to believe that there wasn't a scummy side to him that he was hiding from me.

It was often hard for me to accept what he said at face value; I frequently questioned whether he had a hidden agenda or was keeping secrets from me.

Since you want more questions, what is your favorite way to relax?

What Ben said, and reading on the couch with my dog curled up next to me.