After nearly ten years together, my husband and I are now separated. AMA

[KhainiWest]

Are those feelings dissipating now that he has had the option to leave you but chose not too? I'm not saying he was a scumbag, or in anyway brought a fair reason of doubt, but are the actions taken changing your perspective to be blindly optimistic until disappointing? That's how I live my life, it's a huge risk, but you end up with life long friends. I don't know throes, I never thought of someone like you being insecure, it surprises me

[Throes]

Are those feelings dissipating now that he has had the option to leave you but chose not too?

As much as I hate to admit it, those feelings have not gone away completely. It is difficult to change your perspective when you've lived most of your life believing that every man has a dark, sexually depraved side of him. That men cannot be trusted to keep it in their pants. It is one of the things I am working to change about the way I see the world.

I'm not saying he was a scumbag, or in anyway brought a fair reason of doubt, but are the actions taken changing your perspective to be blindly optimistic until disappointing? That's how I live my life, it's a huge risk, but you end up with life long friends. I don't know throes, I never thought of someone like you being insecure, it surprises me

I'm not trying to be a dick but I really have no clue what you're asking here.

You are surprised that I am insecure because I choose not to show that side of my personality to you. In reality I am flat-chested and have crooked teeth. My hair is unruly and uncooperative. I chose to pursue a degree in animation, yet I have done nothing with that degree. I was recently asked to step down from my position managing the largest store in my company and take on a smaller store instead. Insecurity abounds, my friend. And until I can get over it and love me for me we will be stuck at square one and nothing will change.

[Teigri]

Insecurity abounds, my friend. And until I can get over it and love me for me we will be stuck at square one and nothing will change.

What do you intend to do to address your insecurities and to gain more self-confidence? What is your game plan and what are some things that will help you stick to it?

[KhainiWest]

I'm not trying to be a dick but I really have no clue what you're asking here.

That should have been "dissapointed", and you answered it in your previous response. It's pretty much an over elaborated benefit of the doubt.

You are surprised that I am insecure because I choose not to show that side of my personality to you. In reality I am flat-chested and have crooked teeth. My hair is unruly and uncooperative. I chose to pursue a degree in animation, yet I have done nothing with that degree. I was recently asked to step down from my position managing the largest store in my company and take on a smaller store instead. Insecurity abounds, my friend. And until I can get over it and love me for me we will be stuck at square one and nothing will change.

Are you able to answer to the other side of the coin? Why did he choose to marry you? Date you for a decade(nearly), I mean bi`tch you got that boy caught. Like a cuddlebear cactus.

Blah I hate when I get into convo's like this because I feel like a know it all twat lol

[Sardines]

You are surprised that I am insecure because I choose not to show that side of my personality to you. In reality I am flat-chested and have crooked teeth. My hair is unruly and uncooperative. I chose to pursue a degree in animation, yet I have done nothing with that degree. I was recently asked to step down from my position managing the largest store in my company and take on a smaller store instead. Insecurity abounds, my friend. And until I can get over it and love me for me we will be stuck at square one and nothing will change.

As someone who finds you incredibly attractive, I was madly smitten with you when I started getting to know you. Even when it was known that you were married, the irc still seemed to gravitate around you when you shared topics about your life. Whatever you lack in comparison to the SF Super Fitness Tanning Master Race you make up for spades in personality. And even if the 'Throes' that I know may have only been her stopping by on her good days, whatever good you showed was more than good enough for me. I think that the animation degree is great to have even though you may not be in direct use of it at the moment. Ignoring context, the best application of a degree is to clean a wet counter or for emergency toilet paper. In context, we're looking at horrible employment stats and a niche economy that demands more value from candidates than what a single piece of paper could produce on its own. If you regret not being an animator, then that's an entirely different issue. However in the long run, a degree tends to not be a good indicator for the final destination that people end up in their long-term positions in life. It's simply a part of their journey in getting there.

You should definitely work on loving yourself because you are lovely. It's just unfortunate that your ex-husband couldn't continue valuing the good points in the relationship over the bad & your employer chose to ignore the 'you' that you bring on a daily basis over some corporate kool-aid criteria that they are sipping in stockholder land. Just because you are being under valued doesn't mean that you need to believe that you are someone who deserves to be under valued. If it is possible to work on handling trust without compromising your own value for your own safety then we should move towards that end of the spectrum. Not in the sense that you trust people because you are something that shouldn't be protected, but in the sense that there is a someone that you feel protected around so that you don't have as much of a compulsion to throw a relationship barrier between you two. Surprisingly you aren't perfect. You have some issues, but you are a complete person who is completely charming. And the good you possess is something that is ageless and worth a commitment at the altar.

[FrozNlite]

Throes, m'dear, I know it may seem corny and cliche, but I love the novel and film adaptation of Eat, Pray, Love, and think you should absolutely check them out when you get the chance. I think they're wonderful tools for reflection and growing one's self-love, and I often revisit them in times of personal doubt and insecurity. And who knows? Perhaps some version of an Eat, Pray, Love-esque trip is exactly what you need right now to sort things out.

Regardless, to further underscore what others have said before, we love you here and are a community made better by your presence. Never hesitate to ask for anything (and as such, I'm glad you made this thread!).

[Throes]

What do you intend to do to address your insecurities and to gain more self-confidence? What is your game plan and what are some things that will help you stick to it?

Really great question. I am throwing myself way the hell out of my comfort zone and have signed up for a beginner's pole dancing class beginning in August. Working out like a madwoman to get myself in shape. Been eating healthy and taking care of my body and it is helping to improve my self-image. My ass is fabulous! (I knew that already but it feels good to say it.) I am also determined to (finally, at 29) learn to drive, learn to play the ukulele, and be able to do the splits. I am trying to do the things I have always wanted to do, but never did, since now I have the time and money to do them. I am also trying to re-discover the things that make me happy, like reading and drawing. My Open Canvas thread has not been updated for over a year, and it makes me sad. I am practicing trust. I am learning to be myself and take care of myself and be happy without him. It is hard.

I also have a magic mirror.

Not sure if you can read what is on the little papers taped to my mirror but these are but a few of many really corny affirmations that I am forced to look at every morning as I get ready for work. Super corny but I have to admit they have been helpful on those days I really don't want to get out of bed or do anything at all.

Devouring all the self-help books I can, most of them pertaining to sexual abuse, trust, and of course, relationships. Most of them have been really helpful, though a couple have had heavy religious leanings and that kinda turned me off of those.

So yeah. Stuff.

Are you able to answer to the other side of the coin? Why did he choose to marry you? Date you for a decade(nearly), I mean bi`tch you got that boy caught. Like a cuddlebear cactus.

We first started dating when we were 19. We were just kids. In the beginning, our relationship was much more about the physical connection than it was emotional or intellectual. In time we really grew to love each other. And who wouldn't love me? I'm smart, cute, creative, love to play video games (even if I'm just a filthy casual), love to have sex, and make my own money. But again those are only the positives. I can also be insecure, clingy, manipulative, lazy, and infuriatingly stubborn, among a host of other things.

He chose me because I was different from all the other girls he had dated previously (who he affectionately refers to as "dumb pretty girls".) We've had lots of good times together. It has been so difficult without him the past month or so. I have to fight every urge to call him or text him, and most days I lose that fight. I miss him terribly, but I don't think he feels the same way. He is actually happy being on his own and taking care of himself, and though I would never want him to be miserable, it is difficult for me to come to accept that he is happy without me.


@Sardines: Fuck I don't even know how to respond to that. Your words are too kind. I kind of want to hide in a corner and be embarrassed now.

@FrozNlite: Added it to my Netflix queue.

[Tay]

All I can say is I am sorry for you darling, you know we're all here for you in the best and worst of times. -hug-

[李船長]

I think you're more than strong enough to get over your insecurities and get through this Throes.
You can do it!

[VanityAngel]

Oh I am so sorry to hear this. This is a terrible thing. I am so sorry for your hardship and I certainly hope things will get better for you. I'm sorry, I don't know you very well, but I hope you become stronger from this. I have had a lot of friends who lost their marriages but then became such incredible independent woman!

Since this is an AMA thing, I believe I need to ask you something. In your time together, besides the relationship what was your most favorite thing in the world? What inspired you, what gave you passion, what made you happy setting aside your relationship with him.