The Unforgiven Ones. [User-Controlled tale]

[TřbiasBlack]

first and foremost, two people need to be given credit: FelixTM and MasPan. Felix, because he has the most well known (to my knowledge) of this type of thing in this forum, and because of my challenging/defiant nature i felt that i ought to try this out as well. second, mas, for reminding me that i had once tried to write a forum-based story for basil, but, after planning out 13 chapters, and only writing 5 due to internet loss, it just fell to the wayside, and suggesting i make one here. now that thats taken care of, my own notes; im using this as a springboard to start a first manuscript for L.G.M.S. the title is tentative, but the story is, as far as can be, planned out, with room for growth. i just need to finesse my way into starting it, and what better a way than to do something fun? if youre interested, ive put a teaser trailer for LGMS in this forum, just search for it.

~~~
ok, so since felix has them, i ought to as well.
Rules:
this will all be written on the spot, so there is not going to be (much) preplanning.
1) after each posting of mine, there will be options you, whomever you are that is reading this, can choose from. the options are dependent on the entry.
2) please, vote only once. to vote, just decide which option you'd like to see and put it in your reply.
3) like each mind has its own operations, each person will think someone different than you, so if you want to see something happen, try to convince others of your reasoning. but do so civilly. this is a mature thing, so please be reasonable.
4) for the plot to advance, a certain number of votes should decide which path i opt to write, nes pa? well, i think for now 4-6 votes for whichever option accumulates that number first, will be what i pick.
5) if you dont want to read, then move along. please and thank you for being considerate.
6) (and this is where im being tricky with it...) i want to use people from SouthPerry. in that, i want to assign people's usernames (with some prioritizing for those whose names sound like actual/usable names) various roles. i did this in basil to some moderate ease, so id like to repeat it here. call me elitist in that some users i use are going to be more known, but, for the most part, the people i might use have decent names. again, just for ease.
7) (Also where users can participate even more) if you have/have not voted for an option, and/or would like input on what you feel i should write next, by all means, feel more than free to contribute ideas that you would like to see outside of what ive given you. its supposed to be enjoyed by the users, right? so why limit you guys to just what I want?
~~~
aaand... thats about all i can think of for the rules. i can give no set time-frame for any updates i may give, as with all things with my life, everything is on a flux day-to-day basis.

oh, right. if you have any questions, then ask forthwith. ill answer them to the best of my abilities. and not to make a nuisance of myself, ill be posting the first actual entry in a new post... i hate cluttered thoughts.

[TřbiasBlack]

"And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. " Revelations 13:1

I had known of the risks with this particular incantation, and I knew full well of what its intent was; I had tried to bring back the dead by using an old, and nearly forgotten form of magic. Sure most people this day and age have forgotten about magic, or at least abandoned it to the stuff of fairy tales and stories, but I didn't. I still believed in magic, despite people telling me i was delusional. I didn't care for their apathy anyways, because I knew, that once i showed them my talent, that everyone would finally show me respect.

I had gathered all the required materials and articles months in advance, and had prepared them for weeks. I knew i would have to have certain things, so I went to painstaking lengths to obtain some of the more forbidden of the items needed. On the night of the spell's invocation, I made the journey to a suitable location, away from the city and all forms of human life.

I had found an abandoned warehouse about 4 miles south of where i lived, and saw that it was completely surrounded by rusty barbed wire fences, which had already been cut open by various other people who came here before me. Probably seeking a place to sell drugs, people, stolen goods, it didn't matter now, it was abandoned, and it was all for me. I assume it was used to manufacture parts for machinery judging by the broken conveyor belts that were collapsed onto the dusty floor. Graffiti was spray painted all across the walls, various profanities and crude pictures of genitals, as well as some cheap markings of the swastika, cross, Star of David, and some other magic circles ripped out of a "Magic for Novices" booklet. Idiots didn't believe in magic, yet decided to plaster these false images anywhere they could.

Sitting on the floor of one of the more open spaces, I laid out all my tools and ingredients, safely tucked away inside tupperware tubs. After lighting several candles around me, I carefully I took out my grey and red chalk, and drew out several circles around where I would be performing the ritual, to both protect me from any malignant spirits that would want to interfere with my spell, but also to keep whatever came out from the other side contained within the rings. I drew various symbols inbetween each of the rings; the whole area amounted to roughly 8' across from the inner-most circle. Taking out the black chalk now, i drew in the center of the rings a smaller circle, and using the red chalk I write my name above the top portion of the circle, and underneath the bottom of the circle I wrote what I wished to be identified as.

Next, I took out the ingredients and, carefully mixing them together inside the containers, poured the oozy black mixture onto the black circle, making sure to only put enough so as to fill the circle and not go over the edges, or else I'd ruin the spell. After that, I dipped my finger into the tub and put a dab of the black ooze onto my forehead. It was still warm, so it felt uncomfortable at first, but after a few seconds my body adjusted to it. Having that on my forehead guaranteed that I would be recognized as the master of this ritual.

I spent the next hour sitting in the circle, meditating and reciting the mantra over and over, making sure both not to break my trance and to not miss a word, or else the spell would not work properly and anything would result. That was something i was not looking forward to, so I had to be very careful with my annunciation and timing. Once finished, I took out a 7" bladed knife I had taken with me and cut a cross pattern into my left palm, and again onto my right, and let my blood drip and spill into the now hardened black ooze in the center of the black ring, guaranteeing whatever would come from the ritual would recognize me as its master and not kill me, devour my soul, or take possession of my mind. All of which, I would not like to have happen.

Then I took out the remaining items from my bag and decided to begin the ritual. But, before I had even a chance to begin the incantations, I felt a chill shoot down my spine as all of the candles were extinguished at once, and I heard a loud BANG coming from somewhere within the factory. It startled me, and I began to grew nervous. This building was still private property, and if caught on it, I knew i would be facing fines from the police, as well as from anyone else. I had gotten to involved into the ritual though, and i was about to begin the actual process when I heard it. There was still time to abandon it and investigate the source of the noise, but, I had spent too much time and money to just throw everything away over something so trivial. I was at a crossroads with what to do next, but, I decided...

~~~~~
[ ] continue with the ritual
[ ] stop and investigate
[ ] stop, gather my things, and run away
~~~~~

[kingdj333]

[x] stop and investigate

[FelixTM]

[x] Continue with the ritual.

[Dyxanije]

[x] Continue with the ritual.

[Herbert Jablonski]

[x] Continue with the ritual.

[MasPan]

[x] Stop and investigate

[z0mgc00k13]

[x] continue with the ritual

[TřbiasBlack]

I was at a crossroads with what to do next, but, I decided that whatever the noise was, that it was not going to interfere with my plans. I wasn't going to give up. Plus, if I had have stopped and stepped outside of the protective rings, then I'd be unable to repeat the spell again for 26 years, and I would sooner hang myself than have to wait 26 years to escape from this hell.

I took out the silver medallion, focused all of my energies into it, and began to recite the magic words, when again I heard the loud thud of machinery falling, but this time there was a voice accompanying it. It was too faint to make out what it said, or who was the one making it, but I shut the thought out of my mind and resumed my focus towards this spell.

After finishing reciting the spell, I placed the medallion's charm on top of the hardened black slime, and took out some gauze bandages to wrap up my hands. The blood would only interfere with the effectiveness of the next part of the ritual, and, i didn't want to risk getting my hands infected with typhoid, or something. Yet again i heard another thud coming from outside of my small encasement, but this time the sound was even louder than before and I could faintly discern what the voice was calling out.

"Abby? Abby, where are you? Abby, Abby?" the voice called out. I couldn't tell who it was as of yet, but, the fact that they knew my name greatly narrowed down my list of possibles; it was either one of my close friends, my boyfriend, or my brother, but since he was busy fighting overseas, I knew it couldn't be Isaac. So it was either my boyfriend Marco, or maybe it was Elenore. I didn't know, and i wasn't going to worry about it.

Carefully I took out the next ingredient, and I set the contents of the container down gently besides the black slime, and, after wiping the blood off of the knife I had used on my hands, I grabbed it firmly by the handle and thrust it into the black ooze. Suddenly, when the blade pierced the gunk, I heard a loud shriek come from somewhere close, and then felt the ground shake and yet another loud thud from outside.

"Abby! Abby, if you're in here, you have to come out to me, the warehouse is falling apart! Abby, please!" I could sense the terror in the voice, but I still could not figure out who exactly came and wanted to interrupt me. But, it wasn't that big of a concern of mine, even if they managed to find this room the door is barricaded so no one can come in and break the seal on the ground. "Abby, please, it's Ella and Brandt, please, come home with us! We don't want you to die in here!"

Suddenly, another loud bang and the sounds of explosions broke my almost perfect concentration and sent shockwaves throughout the entire building. I could hear my friends shouting out to me from outside, but it was in vain. I took the red silk scarf and laid it neatly into the handle of the knife, and began to recite the final incantation. However, many times during the incantation various tremors and shocks shook me and the floor I was sitting on. Eventually a massive I-beam fell and landed about a foot from where I was.

"Abby, come on! The roof is collapsing, we have to get out!" I could hear them now pounding on the door, and I could faintly see Brandt peering in at me through the dirty, stained window, beating it with the flat of his hand. "Abby!" I turned back and returned to my chanting, drawing closer to the final stanza. Suddenly, another loud, thunderous, dark shout broke out and shook me down to my core, sending a chill running down my spine. I took the scarf off of the blade handle after finishing the incantation, and i noticed that the blade of the knife was know as black as the ooze that used to be in the middle of the small black circle, and that the ooze was gone.

"Ha! only one more part, then I'm free," I said aloud. Carefully lifting the blade out of the concrete, I put the silver medallion in the center of the black ring, and poured the remaining ooze in the tupperware tub on top of it. As soon as the ooze fell onto the charm, again, I heard a loud BANG, followed by more tremors and even more support beams falling in the distance. Ignoring the sound of glass breaking and the pounding on the door behind me by my friends, I recited the final seal of the ritual, then lifted the knife over my head.

Suddenly, I felt arms reaching out for me, touching me all over my body. They were cold, slimy, and wet, grabbing at my arms, trying to pull them back and stop me from completing my ritual. They grabbed at my torso, and at my legs, they were cold and I felt cold having them on me; I tried to resist them, but the arms were strong. The kept pulling at me, pulling my hair, my shirt, my shoes, my pants, everywhere and anywhere they could grab hold of me they did. I was not going to let myself succumb to them, but they were powerful, and I was growing tired from having exerted so much of myself into this ritual. Plus, there was yet another thunderous boom, and a portion of the roof collapsed in front of me. The arms were grabbing my body, and the roof was collapsing, and I was terrified, but I had come so far, so close to completing this ritual; I had only one option, and that was...

~~~~~
[ ]drive the knife into the ground before they pull her away from the ritual.
[ ]swing the knife backwards, break the arms hold, and escape the building before it collapses.
[ ]surrender to the arms will and be pulled into the void.
~~~~~

sorry guys, wrote that before i left for class this morning.

each of the 3 options leads to one of 3 vastly different story outcomes, so really, depending on which one wins out, thats the basic... genre, i guess is the right word, for the story overall. whichever ones lose, ill describe the plots ive in mind for them.

[z0mgc00k13]

[x]drive the knife into the ground before they pull her away from the ritual.

[TřbiasBlack]

[x]drive the knife into the ground before they pull her away from the ritual.

since im shallow and have low self esteem(wuss), whatcha think of it so far? :ohno:

[Throes]

[x]drive the knife into the ground before they pull her away from the ritual.

[MasPan]

[x]surrender to the arms will and be pulled into the void.


A plot point I would make note of - someone ought to be very familiar with the voice of their boy/girlfriend, so you may want to add an explanation for why Abby couldn't determine whose voice it was.

[TřbiasBlack]

[x]surrender to the arms will and be pulled into the void.


A plot point I would make note of - someone ought to be very familiar with the voice of their boy/girlfriend, so you may want to add an explanation for why Abby couldn't determine whose voice it was.

do you mean towards the beginning? she couldnt make out the voice that was calling out to her because she was confined and barricaded into a small room in a large abandoned factory with many old and decrepit machines strewn about, as well as various other effects from the day it was abandoned to present. no real plot point, the others were just too far away to be able to be heard clearly and identified.

[MasPan]

do you mean towards the beginning? she couldnt make out the voice that was calling out to her because she was confined and barricaded into a small room in a large abandoned factory with many old and decrepit machines strewn about, as well as various other effects from the day it was abandoned to present. no real plot point, the others were just too far away to be able to be heard clearly and identified.

It's just that she could clearly make out her name being called, which means she could hear them fairly well, unless their voice echoed loudly (which is very reasonable in a large warehouse).

[TřbiasBlack]

exactly. she could hear her name, or at least make out that whatever sound that wasnt the wind or something falling was her name, but she couldnt tell who or what was making it until they got closer.

[MetaSeraphim]

swing the knife backwards, break the arms hold, and escape the building before it collapses.

[TřbiasBlack]

not really to change anything, but...
i forget what 'Ella' stands for... so, anyone care to give some ideas for a name which "ella" could be short for?
oh, and, IsaacGS, thats where isaac, her brother, got *his name. easter egg found. o-o

[ShadowMarck]

[:goggle:]drive the knife into the ground before they pull her away from the ritual.

[MasPan]

not really to change anything, but...
i forget what 'Ella' stands for... so, anyone care to give some ideas for a name which "ella" could be short for?
oh, and, IsaacGS, thats where isaac, her brother, got *his name. easter egg found. o-o

Elizabeth.

[TřbiasBlack]

before i begin, let me say these two things: firstly, since its been a week, im going to use the option which received the most votes. second, like i promised, i had a rough idea of what id do with the two options that didnt make it, and id share them with you all, so here they are: the plot would have been something like DeathNote/Juniper Lee, in that she would be haunted by demons, and she would be able to see them, as her botched ritual opened a portal to 'hell' and she left it open, so now a slew of demons are running loose, and her task is to stop them from destroying the world.similar to the aforementioned, but, she would be a normal girl that practices magic, and detailing her life... i didnt like this option, and am i GLAD this wasnt the main one. either the 1st or 2nd i was hopeful for, as either or could have gone in SOOOOOOOO many directions.

now then, back on track.

~~~~~
...I had come so far, so close to completing this ritual; I had only one option, and that was that I had to finish the task. No matter what happened, I needed to finish, I needed to get out of this nightmarish world I had to call home. The pointless wars, the countless dying all because of a corrupt government, I wanted to just get away from it all. Too many nights I cried myself to sleep, worrying if my brother would get shot down trying to do an evil task given to him by those evil men in the grey suits, with that red armband around their jacket sleeves. I hated them, and wanted to just get away.

I felt the arms starting to pull me away from the circle, and once again I resisted, shaking my arms free, but this time, there were more of them, more arms grabbing at me. I could feel them, they felt vile and sick, like the evils of this world were trying to consume me in their sick ways. They grabbed at me and almost completely immobilized me, pulling one of my arms behind my back and keeping it locked in place. But, using my free hand, I quickly drove the blackened blade of the knife down into the goo, and I could feel the crack of the silver medallion, and all at once everything went silent. All the thundering bombs overhead stopped, all the shaking of the ground ceased, and the beams and tiles from the roof of the old warehouse, burning and badly bombed out. Then, all at once, a deafening shriek was let loose, and I could feel it shake me down to my very core; ever fiber of my body started to feel incredibly heavy, and every breath was a strain on my lungs, the air started to grow incredibly cold, and the light started to fade from the world. In my last glimpses of the world, I turned back and looked over my shoulder, and I could vaguely see my friends clinging to my back, trying not to get pulled away by the void.

The shrieking sound coming from the knife started to fade, and instead turned into a low, droll, annoying buzzing sound. The black ooze started to melt away, and in my last moments of sight, I could see the blade of the knife, still blackened, with the medallion pierced by the tip of the blade, and the black ooze seeping into the cracks of the medallion. I could see the tiny little trinket shake and vibrate as the ooze seeped into it. Then, everything was nothingness; there was no light, there was no sound, there was no air to breathe, there was no ability to move, all time had frozen still. Everything became blackness, and I lost consciousness.

When I woke up, I was lying down, looking up at a roof, and looking down I could see a blanket made up of various animal pelts sewn together with leather bands. I looked around at this setting, and noticed that I was in some really danky shack. There was a makeshift stove set underneath a small window, the walls were made of wood and stone, the roof, from the inside, looked like it was made of straw, and, at the floor beside the bed, I saw my old clothes strewn on the floor. At once I lept out of bed, and, despite what I feared, I was clothed in simple cotton and leather robes. The garments were obviously old, and very ill fitting, they were very loose on my body. As I rose out of the bed, I could feel the top start to fall downwards, and my leggings start to slide off. I looked around for something I could've used to serve as a belt, and luckily enough there was one laying on the head of the bed post. I put it around my waist and fastened it, securing my pants safely in place; however, my top was still very loose, so I decided to take it off. I wasn't afraid, though obviously someone lived here.

I walked over to the stove and saw that there was a small black pot on top of it, and it smelled very delicious and tempting. There was a piece of paper lying on the small counter area on the stove, but I could not tell what it said. Carefully, I tried to lift the lid off of the pot, trying to not burn my fingertips. But, it was scalding hot, and as soon as my fingers touched it the nerve endings in my fingers started to cry out in agony. I looked around to find something i could use to try to lift the lid up, but, I couldn't find anything that looked like it would keep my hands from burning, even the tunic I discarded would not have been adequate. Deciding I would return to the food cooking in the pot later, I decided to explore the rest of the little hut. There was a room separated by a hanging curtain that had a strange symbol painted on it, in some blue coloring. Pushing it aside, I could see various swords, axes, spears, lances, and what looked like primitive rifles scattered about on the floor, against and hanging on the walls, and laying on a stone table. I looked around and inspected some of the weapons, and I immediately made note of the impressive detail that went into making the blades on the swords and axes; they were very beautifully polished, inscribed with incredibly calligraphic symbols, and in the hilt, various jewels were inlaid into the hand guard. The axes had holes drilled into the wide section of the base of each axe, and in the holes again, similar looking jewels were placed.

Suddenly, I heard a loud noise come from the other side of the curtain. Nervous, I grabbed one of the small daggers lying on the table and held it tightly in my hands, and steadied myself. I heard someone talking, but I couldn't understand what he was saying at all, but from what I guessed by the tone, it sounded like it was coming from a nervous man. I suspected that he was the one that owned this hut, so slowly I walked out from the curtain, still holding the knife in my hands. When he saw me, he looked like he was shocked to see me, and started to talk to me. I couldn't understand a single word he was saying.

Suddenly, i felt a heat grow on my chest, and I looked down and saw that the cracked silver pendant was dangling between my breasts, and it started to glow where it was cracked. Then, suddenly, I could understand what the frantic man was saying!

"Miss, please, put down that dagger, it is very dangerous and I don't want you hurting yourself, please, put the dagger down!" He kept gesturing with his hands and arms like he was putting something down, so I followed his instructions and put the knife back into its sheath. Immediately he rushed over the the table, picked up the dagger, took it out and inspected the blade, and once seeing it was fine, put it down gently on the table, let out a sigh, and looked up at me. "Who are you, what is your name?"

At first I tried to speak, but I wasnt sure if he would be able to understand me, so I stammered a bit, but, finally let out a soft "my name is Abigail."

The man stood up and grabbed me by my shoulders. His hands felt very hard and calloused. He looked me dead in the eyes, and asked me, "where did you come from?"

I looked up at him, and told him...
~~~~~

[ ] "Who are you, and what's your name?"
[ ] "Where am I, and how did I end up in this hut?"
[ ] "Can I have some of that food first?"

not really sure how i wanted this to end, so i kinda ended it abruptly. though, i was able to think of 3 options. =/ i like the number 3, for obvious reasons. as you can guess, stabbing the medallion = transported to another world, and if you couldnt figure it out, abby and her friends lived during WWII era europe. abby's brother was a nazi soldier who identified himself as a german first, a nazi second, and didnt want to fight, but had no choice. she hated the war and what it was doing to her country, so she sought a way out. enter magic, and dark rites, yada yada. and yes, she was partially nude in the hut. if that offends you in any way, im sorry.

[AngelSL]

[x] "Where am I, and how did I end up in this hut?"

P.S. is the character hot/cute? >_>

[Throes]

[x] "Can I have some of that food first?"


If I may be honest and give you some feedback...

I know that you said before that you don't really preplan or edit this as you write, because you want it to be spontaneous. That's fine, but I'm finding that some parts are very distracting, and take away from your story.


The shrieking sound coming from the knife started to fade, and instead turned into a low, droll, annoying buzzing sound, and the black ooze started to melt away, and I could, in my last moments of sight, see the blade of the knife, still blackened, with the medallion pierced by the tip of the blade, and the black ooze seeping into the cracks of the medallion.

There are four "and's" and ten commas holding that sentence together. It felt awkward reading it through, and it feels like it should be split up into two or more sentences.

[TřbiasBlack]

[x] "Where am I, and how did I end up in this hut?"

P.S. is the character hot/cute? >_>

...shes a roughly 16 year old girl in WWII era germany, so, use your imagination. i dont intend to give the main character much detail, insofar as extraneous information that isnt needed.i will say, however, say she has dirty blonde hair and is a girl.

and @Throws: always appreciate the criticisms, pointers, what have you, and i will make note of that for future reference. i am many times a victim of the comma splice. (goes to re-edit that paragraph now.)

[Providence]

"Where am I, and how did I end up in this hut?"