Doxinator
2009-09-10, 10:32 PM
Ohai guys. So, the other day while listening to some pwnsome music, I got this awesome idea for a story/book. So, I quickly typed up a small outline of what Chapter 1 is all about. I've got it all planned out in my head, just not all the little, fine details. Once I get drafts of every chapter done, I'll go through and revise it all and add in all the cool little details part.
Anyways. Your feedback, I need it. Here a rough outline of what chapter 1 is. It's called "The Little Black Box".
Chapter 1
A small, smoldering dent could be seen from a helicopter as it swiftly cut through the air. The helicopter was surveying the scene of the crash, and then went in for a bumpy landing. The terrain was rocky and uneven, and had trees jutting out from every direction. A small, petite woman with brown hair jumped out of the helicopter, and closed in on the crash site.
Her mission was quick and simple; check for survivors. As she neared, the heat became more and more intense. A few of the bushes and shrubs around her had caught fire, and the flames danced in the wind. Suitcases were torn to shreds, and clothes were lying charred on the ground everywhere. There was a small piece of paper that was flailing in the air as the wind was lifting it to the sky. This piece of paper came within reach of the petite woman, and as she gazed upon it closer, it looked like it was a picture. The woman grabbed it.
The picture showed a man and a woman, both were smiling. The man had light brown hair, sky blue eyes, and a smile to make any woman fall for him. The man didn’t seem quite that short, neither was he tall.
The woman seemed fairly short, quite skinny, and was just simply stunning. Her long, chocolate brown hair shone in the light as it was majestically running down her face. Her eyes were an emerald green; her smile was like a shining sea of pearls.
The woman flipped the picture over in her hand, and could barely make out some writing on the back of the picture “Lilly and Lucian”. It was impossible to make out the letters that followed after that, possibly a date that the photo was taken.
The woman shed a little tear as she thought about this couple; if they were on this plane, they surely would not have survived. She put the picture in her pocket, and proceeded on her mission.
After several minutes of searching, there was no sign of any survivors. In fact, there was no sign that anyone had been on the plane at all when it slammed into the ground. The only thing that was found was a small, outdated recording device. She picked it up from the wreckage, and went back to the helicopter.
The woman brought the recording device to the lab, where it was then plugged in to extract the information she needed. Whose plane was it? Why did it crash? What happened to Lilly and Lucian, if they were the ones on the plane?
The recording began to play. There were immense amounts of static and loud noises that got picked up as well; the woman tried her best to get all the information, without missing anything.
The faint voice of a woman was heard, shuddering from crying. “I can’t live without you. I need you; life just won’t be the same. It will have no meaning without you. Please, just sta-“
The woman was cut off by a man’s voice, strong, yet full of uncertainty. “Lilly, please listen to me. You need to take this and go. I love you too much to let you die. The world shouldn’t be devoid of such a beautiful, delicate flower like you. It can stand to lose an ugly weed like me. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be in danger like this.”
The static and the other white noise were progressively getting stronger. As the static grew louder, beeping noises began to be heard.
“Just stop it!” Lilly shrieked. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have had the most magical moments of my life. Without you, I know no happiness. Without you, I will cease to exist! Please, just take my hand, and come with me, Lucian. I’ll never let you go, and we can make it through this together. Whether we live or not, we will be with each other, forever; I promise you that, just please trust me.”
There was a small explosion in the distance, followed by a rush of air that flowed over the box. Things became intensely hard to make out.
“Lilly, no matter what happens to us, I will always love you, forever.”
The shrieking of the woman slowly faded away, followed by a blistering moment of silence. Then there was the crash. The plane had hit the ground. The screeching of metal clashing into one another, the flames that began to crackle after each successive explosion, the trees falling to the ground after the impact…Then there was nothing.
Constructive criticism, please.
Anyways. Your feedback, I need it. Here a rough outline of what chapter 1 is. It's called "The Little Black Box".
Chapter 1
A small, smoldering dent could be seen from a helicopter as it swiftly cut through the air. The helicopter was surveying the scene of the crash, and then went in for a bumpy landing. The terrain was rocky and uneven, and had trees jutting out from every direction. A small, petite woman with brown hair jumped out of the helicopter, and closed in on the crash site.
Her mission was quick and simple; check for survivors. As she neared, the heat became more and more intense. A few of the bushes and shrubs around her had caught fire, and the flames danced in the wind. Suitcases were torn to shreds, and clothes were lying charred on the ground everywhere. There was a small piece of paper that was flailing in the air as the wind was lifting it to the sky. This piece of paper came within reach of the petite woman, and as she gazed upon it closer, it looked like it was a picture. The woman grabbed it.
The picture showed a man and a woman, both were smiling. The man had light brown hair, sky blue eyes, and a smile to make any woman fall for him. The man didn’t seem quite that short, neither was he tall.
The woman seemed fairly short, quite skinny, and was just simply stunning. Her long, chocolate brown hair shone in the light as it was majestically running down her face. Her eyes were an emerald green; her smile was like a shining sea of pearls.
The woman flipped the picture over in her hand, and could barely make out some writing on the back of the picture “Lilly and Lucian”. It was impossible to make out the letters that followed after that, possibly a date that the photo was taken.
The woman shed a little tear as she thought about this couple; if they were on this plane, they surely would not have survived. She put the picture in her pocket, and proceeded on her mission.
After several minutes of searching, there was no sign of any survivors. In fact, there was no sign that anyone had been on the plane at all when it slammed into the ground. The only thing that was found was a small, outdated recording device. She picked it up from the wreckage, and went back to the helicopter.
The woman brought the recording device to the lab, where it was then plugged in to extract the information she needed. Whose plane was it? Why did it crash? What happened to Lilly and Lucian, if they were the ones on the plane?
The recording began to play. There were immense amounts of static and loud noises that got picked up as well; the woman tried her best to get all the information, without missing anything.
The faint voice of a woman was heard, shuddering from crying. “I can’t live without you. I need you; life just won’t be the same. It will have no meaning without you. Please, just sta-“
The woman was cut off by a man’s voice, strong, yet full of uncertainty. “Lilly, please listen to me. You need to take this and go. I love you too much to let you die. The world shouldn’t be devoid of such a beautiful, delicate flower like you. It can stand to lose an ugly weed like me. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be in danger like this.”
The static and the other white noise were progressively getting stronger. As the static grew louder, beeping noises began to be heard.
“Just stop it!” Lilly shrieked. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have had the most magical moments of my life. Without you, I know no happiness. Without you, I will cease to exist! Please, just take my hand, and come with me, Lucian. I’ll never let you go, and we can make it through this together. Whether we live or not, we will be with each other, forever; I promise you that, just please trust me.”
There was a small explosion in the distance, followed by a rush of air that flowed over the box. Things became intensely hard to make out.
“Lilly, no matter what happens to us, I will always love you, forever.”
The shrieking of the woman slowly faded away, followed by a blistering moment of silence. Then there was the crash. The plane had hit the ground. The screeching of metal clashing into one another, the flames that began to crackle after each successive explosion, the trees falling to the ground after the impact…Then there was nothing.
Constructive criticism, please.