IllegallySane
2009-05-05, 07:32 PM
It was off to a rocky start in the first session that I got to play my rogue. I was ALRIGHT LET'S DO THIS SHI'T! The DM plops me off near a caravan. I see mules, a cart, and OH MY GOD SO MUCH F'CUKING TREASURE. My rogue was dirt poor, so naturally he started opening one box, found some trinkets, coins, and a pair of panties. Wait, panties? Okay... continuing. Before I had a chance to pocket anything, I saw a pair of red eyes. The first thing that came to my mind was KILLER PENGUINS GOD DAMN THOSE PRINNIES. Turns out the DM sent after me a mutherfuucking CLOUD monster who was killing me by SUCKING OUT MY SOUL. Luckily, the party members I was supposed to be with saved my ass, but it turned out that caravan was theirs. I then got my ass handed by a MAGICAL FERRET BECAUSE THAT BOX WITH THE PANTIES WAS ITS HOME. EVEN MORE IT TURNED OUT THIS FERRET BELONGED TO A SEVEN FOOT ORC WHOSE BUILD LIKE FCUKING CHUCK NORRIS. What's more stupid, I had to be a slave to the ferret if the ferret was to keep quiet about what I did it it's home, because the ferret and the hunter orc are SUUUPA TELEPATHIC.
Now skip the boring stuff. Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. OKAY WE ARE AT A MOUNTAIN WHERE THERE WAS A LANDSLIDE CAUSED BY A MYSTERIOUS MONSTER. DUN DUN DUUUN. Climb up the mountains, find an old bridge. Awww yeah, just cross the bridge, right? WRONG. IT FU'CKING BREAKS WHEN I STEPPED ON IT AND THE STREAM BELOW HAPPENS TO BE MAGICAL IN THAT IT SMACKED THE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T CLIMB TO SAVE THEIR LIFE SO EVERYBODY IS STUCK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STREAM AND HAVE TO CLIMB UP. Eventually we got two people back up at the cliff, my friend's character who is a Savant named Nikolai (named after the same named guy in the Luminous Arc), and a monk (WE GOT TWO). Minor set-back, but okay.
Suddenly, FOUR FUC"KING HUGE AXES FLEW OUT OF NOWHERE AND ONE GETS THE MONK IN THE SHOULDER WHILE TWO HIT MY FRIEND'S CHARACTER STRAIGHT IN THE BACK. HOLY SHI'T THIS IS ALREADY NOT GOOD. The DM sent after me and the party four minotaurs, moo-moo cowmen with great axes and hornier than your average bull. We had to start battle while the rest of he party was stuck in the stream.
So I rolled a natural 20. HELL YES, I FLY UP THE WALLS OF THE CLIFF LIKE F"UCKING NARUTO. I move to the back of a minotaur while my friend and the monk were fighting. I get hit. TWENTY DAMAGE. I hit back. SNEAK ATTACK. 22 DAMAGE YOU PIECE OF STEAK. Suddenly, the other two minotaurs charged with their horns down. GORE TIME. HOLY CRAP I'M AT -9 HP. MY FRIEND GETS SKEWERED ON A CRIT, AND TAKES 46 DAMAGE UP THE ASS. He got his guts splattered everywhere, and I fell like a rock, just waiting my death. SO THE REST OF THE PARTY LIVED, BUT THE CLERIC WENT INTO A FETAL POSITION DURING THE WHOLE BATTLE BECAUSE MY FRIEND'S CHARACTER DIED, SO I HAD TO DIE TOO.
In a fit of rage, I wrote up my next character, and it will be made out of delicious irony. I made a 14 year old boy who's a druid and will Obfuscate stupidty (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ObfuscatingStupidity) and shall be a CROUCHING MORON HIDDEN BADDASS (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CrouchingMoronHiddenBadass), who has a BLACK BEAR AS A COMPANION WHO IS NAMED BEARSY. AND I SHALL CALL HIM SHIPPO WILDHEART. EAT THIS YOU SUCKERS YOU WILL GET MAULED BY A 14 YEAR OLD KID WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF 69ING AND TREATS HIS BEAR LIKE A TEDDY BEAR.
Done in attempt to emulate Greg's style. End rage.
Now skip the boring stuff. Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo. OKAY WE ARE AT A MOUNTAIN WHERE THERE WAS A LANDSLIDE CAUSED BY A MYSTERIOUS MONSTER. DUN DUN DUUUN. Climb up the mountains, find an old bridge. Awww yeah, just cross the bridge, right? WRONG. IT FU'CKING BREAKS WHEN I STEPPED ON IT AND THE STREAM BELOW HAPPENS TO BE MAGICAL IN THAT IT SMACKED THE PEOPLE WHO CAN'T CLIMB TO SAVE THEIR LIFE SO EVERYBODY IS STUCK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STREAM AND HAVE TO CLIMB UP. Eventually we got two people back up at the cliff, my friend's character who is a Savant named Nikolai (named after the same named guy in the Luminous Arc), and a monk (WE GOT TWO). Minor set-back, but okay.
Suddenly, FOUR FUC"KING HUGE AXES FLEW OUT OF NOWHERE AND ONE GETS THE MONK IN THE SHOULDER WHILE TWO HIT MY FRIEND'S CHARACTER STRAIGHT IN THE BACK. HOLY SHI'T THIS IS ALREADY NOT GOOD. The DM sent after me and the party four minotaurs, moo-moo cowmen with great axes and hornier than your average bull. We had to start battle while the rest of he party was stuck in the stream.
So I rolled a natural 20. HELL YES, I FLY UP THE WALLS OF THE CLIFF LIKE F"UCKING NARUTO. I move to the back of a minotaur while my friend and the monk were fighting. I get hit. TWENTY DAMAGE. I hit back. SNEAK ATTACK. 22 DAMAGE YOU PIECE OF STEAK. Suddenly, the other two minotaurs charged with their horns down. GORE TIME. HOLY CRAP I'M AT -9 HP. MY FRIEND GETS SKEWERED ON A CRIT, AND TAKES 46 DAMAGE UP THE ASS. He got his guts splattered everywhere, and I fell like a rock, just waiting my death. SO THE REST OF THE PARTY LIVED, BUT THE CLERIC WENT INTO A FETAL POSITION DURING THE WHOLE BATTLE BECAUSE MY FRIEND'S CHARACTER DIED, SO I HAD TO DIE TOO.
In a fit of rage, I wrote up my next character, and it will be made out of delicious irony. I made a 14 year old boy who's a druid and will Obfuscate stupidty (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ObfuscatingStupidity) and shall be a CROUCHING MORON HIDDEN BADDASS (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CrouchingMoronHiddenBadass), who has a BLACK BEAR AS A COMPANION WHO IS NAMED BEARSY. AND I SHALL CALL HIM SHIPPO WILDHEART. EAT THIS YOU SUCKERS YOU WILL GET MAULED BY A 14 YEAR OLD KID WHO DOESNT EVEN KNOW THE MEANING OF 69ING AND TREATS HIS BEAR LIKE A TEDDY BEAR.
Done in attempt to emulate Greg's style. End rage.